March 18, 2014


there's something beautiful about knowing your body can create and harbor life inside it.
when tay and i talked about getting pregnant, i had no idea
it would be the experience i've had so far.

aside from the nausea, which i've talked about constantly,
there are so many changes your body goes through; so many little worries
and concerns that race through your mind.
is this bath water too hot?
is it really that bad to eat lunch meat? even if it's from subway?
it's probably okay if i eat sushi just once, right?

aside from avoiding foods, your whole body starts to change!
your boobs get bigger, your belly starts to expand, and your pants refuse to button.
i've never gone through any sort of self image issues before, but a few weeks ago
it became really apparent to me that i hated being pregnant.
i hated feeling like crap all the time, i hated the way i looked, and that my stomach
was the size of a freaking bowling ball.
and i hated feeling that way, because i knew what i was doing; creating a life;
was so much more important than growing out of my skinny jeans, or
not being able to stretch a shirt over my large belly.
eventually i came to the realization that i'm going to get as big as i need to,
in order to have these babies be as big and as healthy as they can
(obviously within reason..i'm not saying i'm letting myself go here, people)
i'm just saying that it occurred to me that getting big is supposed to happen.
people are supposed to tell me my belly is growing!
it's a part of the process.
a dear friend of mine wrote me an incredibly thoughtful letter when i expressed
to her about how i had been feeling-she gave me this sweet reminder;
one day your little boys will say thank you, for being a hero and a champion for having them.
for being brave when you feel alone.
for crying when you didn't know what else to do.
for simply being perfect in your own way.

so all you pregnant ladies out there-if you're ever feeling down on yourself
like i have here (hopefully i'm not alone, ha!) remember that someday you will
be a hero in your child's eyes, simply because you gave life to them.
and what a miraculous thing!

last night i had my first real pregnancy scare, aside from the occasional spotting.
i hadn't felt one of my babes move all day yesterday.
at this point, they move daily, so i was a little worried.
i woke up at about 5:00 this morning with a sick feeling in my stomach.
i tried to think of what i would do if for some reason i had lost one of the twins.
the thought was unbearable.
as i laid there in the dark, fighting back tears, i felt prompted to pray.
i prayed and prayed and prayed over and over again that i would
feel both the babies move, kick, flip..SOMETHING.
the tears started streaming and the paranoia set in.
about a half hour later, after perusing pinterest, i felt a little kick in my lower stomach-
exactly where the baby should have been.
then i started to feel more kicks, nudges, and twisting limbs.
guys, i can't express to you the joy and relief that overcame me the instant i felt
that little kick, from both the beans.
i have so much love for these babies already, i just can't wait for them to be here!
i know they were watching out for me, doing the best they could to calm my troubled nerves.
then again, this is just the start of things to come in that category!

can't wait to update you on our appointment next week!
we recently switched doctors to be closer to our house when we deliver
instead of 30 minutes away, so hopefully all goes well!

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  1. Ash- you are not alone! I struggled SO MUCH during my pregnancy for the same reason. It was hard to not feel pretty.. as much as you love those beans, it's hard. I don't think I realized until AFTER I had Will just how truly unimportant those things are. When you bring those babes into the world, you will have a whole new respect and love for your body. And so will your husband :) Hang in there- it will be oh so worth it. And if it means anything, I think you look absolutely adorable as a pregnant lady!

    1. Lauren, you're a babe. Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has struggled with that! Love seeing updates of your little boy, he's so cute! Maybe after these babes come we can finally have a play date?

  2. just stumbled across your blog, and you are the cutest pregnant girl ever! TWINS!? that is seriously so exciting! excited to follow along! xoxo

  3. Thank you! Yes, stay tuned, they'll be here before we both know it haha