March 18, 2014


there's something beautiful about knowing your body can create and harbor life inside it.
when tay and i talked about getting pregnant, i had no idea
it would be the experience i've had so far.

aside from the nausea, which i've talked about constantly,
there are so many changes your body goes through; so many little worries
and concerns that race through your mind.
is this bath water too hot?
is it really that bad to eat lunch meat? even if it's from subway?
it's probably okay if i eat sushi just once, right?

aside from avoiding foods, your whole body starts to change!
your boobs get bigger, your belly starts to expand, and your pants refuse to button.
i've never gone through any sort of self image issues before, but a few weeks ago
it became really apparent to me that i hated being pregnant.
i hated feeling like crap all the time, i hated the way i looked, and that my stomach
was the size of a freaking bowling ball.
and i hated feeling that way, because i knew what i was doing; creating a life;
was so much more important than growing out of my skinny jeans, or
not being able to stretch a shirt over my large belly.
eventually i came to the realization that i'm going to get as big as i need to,
in order to have these babies be as big and as healthy as they can
(obviously within reason..i'm not saying i'm letting myself go here, people)
i'm just saying that it occurred to me that getting big is supposed to happen.
people are supposed to tell me my belly is growing!
it's a part of the process.
a dear friend of mine wrote me an incredibly thoughtful letter when i expressed
to her about how i had been feeling-she gave me this sweet reminder;
one day your little boys will say thank you, for being a hero and a champion for having them.
for being brave when you feel alone.
for crying when you didn't know what else to do.
for simply being perfect in your own way.

so all you pregnant ladies out there-if you're ever feeling down on yourself
like i have here (hopefully i'm not alone, ha!) remember that someday you will
be a hero in your child's eyes, simply because you gave life to them.
and what a miraculous thing!

last night i had my first real pregnancy scare, aside from the occasional spotting.
i hadn't felt one of my babes move all day yesterday.
at this point, they move daily, so i was a little worried.
i woke up at about 5:00 this morning with a sick feeling in my stomach.
i tried to think of what i would do if for some reason i had lost one of the twins.
the thought was unbearable.
as i laid there in the dark, fighting back tears, i felt prompted to pray.
i prayed and prayed and prayed over and over again that i would
feel both the babies move, kick, flip..SOMETHING.
the tears started streaming and the paranoia set in.
about a half hour later, after perusing pinterest, i felt a little kick in my lower stomach-
exactly where the baby should have been.
then i started to feel more kicks, nudges, and twisting limbs.
guys, i can't express to you the joy and relief that overcame me the instant i felt
that little kick, from both the beans.
i have so much love for these babies already, i just can't wait for them to be here!
i know they were watching out for me, doing the best they could to calm my troubled nerves.
then again, this is just the start of things to come in that category!

can't wait to update you on our appointment next week!
we recently switched doctors to be closer to our house when we deliver
instead of 30 minutes away, so hopefully all goes well!

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March 5, 2014

taking stock

Making : cloud shelves for the nursery; well, i should say my father in law is, but i'll be painting them!
Cooking : nothing as of late, but made some mean meatballs on sunday.

Drinking :water...lots and lots of water
Reading : have been reading divergent but need to catch up; also the elizabeth smart book.
Wanting : to find a diaper bag-you'd think i was looking for a diamond on an island full of sand!
that, and a two bedroom apartment. i guess it will come eventually...
Looking: forward to mid-june when these beans come!
Playing: beyonce for the reaction yet, but they love food!
Wasting: time watching tv
Sewing: should be sewing blankets for the beans, just haven't gotten there yet.
Wishing: it was saturday so we could leave to californiaaaa!
Enjoying: the soft (and not so soft) kicks from the boys. they love reminding me they're there!
Waiting: for tay to get home.
Liking: the weather today.
Wondering: when my nausea will subside..tired of eating everything in sight. never thought i'd say that...
Loving: my new pregnancy pillow-oh man, it's heavenly.
Hoping: ...
Marveling: at how quickly my body is growing.
Needing: lots of baby things
Smelling: yummy flowers my dear friend just dropped off
Wearing: still fitting into my jeans with a belly band (holla!), maternity shirt, cardigan & toms
Following: uhh..?
Noticing: how much the beans love applesauce.
Knowing: i'm excited to sleep tonight, what an impossibly long day.
Thinking: about sunny california-definitely need a vacay.
Feeling: tired & large, but happy & content.
Bookmarking: fabrics for baby blanket. so many fabrics..
Opening: applesauce.
Feeling: thankful for where my life is right now. it's hard sometimes, and at times i just want to give up,
but i know it will be so worth it in the long run. feeling thankful for a loving and supportive
husband. feeling slightly overwhelmed, hoping we can provide everything for these beans.
never thought we would have twins in a one bedroom apartment, but i know everything
will work out when it needs to. grateful for our jobs, a roof over our heads, food in our mouths
and happiness in our hearts.

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