May 19, 2014

32 weeks

i originally had a different subject for this post, but decided to forego it.

over the past week, my thought have really taken a different route.
i have been overcome with this fear of becoming a mom.
everyone always tells me
'oh my gosh your boys are so lucky!'
'you will be a wonderful mother!'
'just wait, you'll know what to do!'

but seriously, i'm scared to death.
i know i will love them with everything i have-that's not a question,
because i already do, so so much.
i just hope i can raise them to be good young men.
loving, and caring.

will i have the patience i need?

not to mention i'm freaking out about this whole birthing thing.
like, i have nightmares about it.
being in labor for hours on end, everything ripping, complications or losing a baby.

why couldn't it be easy, like they really do get delivered by a stork?
i guess if it was easy, it wouldn't mean as much.

i started packing my diaper bag and hospital bag yesterday, it all just sort of got so REAL.
i'm going to bring two little boys home, and will be responsible for their
well-being (of course with the help of tay), but i just feel so overwhelmed.

tay keeps reminding me that billions of people give birth, and a lot of them with twins,
that i'll do just fine, and to not worry.
it's a lot easier to say that when you don't have to have two humans
coming out your vagina.

i know this post is all sorts of jumbled, i just needed to get my feelings down
so that next time i get pregnant, i'll remember these feelings are normal.
it's okay to be scared.
it's normal to not know what to expect.
and it's pretty common to call your midwife at everything that feels wrong.

i just want to provide everything we can for our little babes.
i love them so much already, and hopefully that will at least be enough.
sometimes i get so caught up in thinking about labor, finishing our nursery,
making sure we have everything we need, and making everything "instagram worthy"
that i forget to just sit and relax.
to enjoy the kicks to the belly, the feet in my ribs, and the jabs to my uterus.
because before we know it, it will be spit up, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights.
times two.

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  1. thanks for being so real. i can't imagine how insane this whole ride must be--i'd be just as scared as you are. but you WILL be a great mom, because you are such a caring human. heavenly father will help you with those two baby boys. i love you!

  2. I literally almost had a panic attack before milo was born. I was so nervous about labor and the complications that I had been warned about happening. And in the end - everything is fine. I have a tiny little baby home with me that I get to snuggle and kiss in between cleaning up his insane amounts of throw up, changing the never ending poopy diapers, and doing my best to guess what is just making him just plain fussy. Sometimes you don't know what to do - and that's normal. You learn as you go. And you call your mom - a lot! Ash, you'll be great because you love them. At the end of the day, they need a mama that will bend over backwards for them and never sleep again...and you're going to do that beautifully and gracefully, I'm sure.