July 7, 2014

the twins

i have started and stopped this post probably about four times since
the twins were born, wanting to document their birth story but right now
i just need to get a few things off my mind.

the twins will be one month tomorrow, and holy smokes, has it been a whirlwind.
nobody can prepare for a baby, let alone twins.
the amount of diapers you change, spit up you wipe, pee you dodge,
and outfits you change is endless.
not to mention the amount of pumping...

nobody tells you exactly how little sleep you will get.
but somehow you manage to get up and monotonously go through the motions
of changing diapers, getting bottles, propping on pillow, feed, burp, rock and
ever-so-quietly put them back in the crib, praying they don't wake up.

nobody tells you how much you will cry in one day, most of the time for no reason
at all other than the fact that you're exhausted, and have a crazy amount of hormones
surfing through your body.

taylor describes the last month perfectly-when you have a baby,
you expect to have a two year old that wants to be played with.
not a little alien who needs to be burped every ten minutes
and cries for what seems like no reason.

i feel like the newborn stage is completely looked over.
which it shouldn't be, because it's pretty damn hard,
someone out there knows the secrets and should really let me in on the goods.
thank the heavens they at least are on somewhat of a schedule.

i think one of the hardest things for me since the babies have been home
has been how little of a connection i feel with them.
in the world of blogging, it's probably a bad thing to admit since your life
has to always seem perfect, but growing up
you think you'll have a baby and instantly connect with them.
i'm not saying i don't love them, because i do!
i would do anything for my little dudes.
but what i mean is, because there are two, i am finding it hard to have
individual time with each one to find that connection.
plus they aren't really at the stage where they connect in their minds
that you're their mother.
you're just their chef, maid and babysitter.
i know as they get older, the relationship will come,
and i can't wait for that!
for now, i'm content being their chef.

i hope those of you with kids can somewhat relate to what i'm going through
and i'm not just some crazy new mom with twins who is...crazy.
i love my babes so much, i want you all to know that.
it's just been a crazy adjustment!

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  1. i love you & think about you a lot, ash! i feel like motherhood is probably like a lot of other things in life--we build it up to be something impossible and are maybe a little let down, even though it's still wonderful. i can't wait to come and meet those little nuggets soon! i love you, sweet girl.

    1. Thank you, seriously, I couldn't have said it better myself girl! Love you, come visit soon!

  2. The first few weeks I would randomly cry too. My husband would ask what was wrong and I never had an answer! It would randomly come on and I would be a bawling mess haha i'm pretty sure he thought I was losing it. I don't know what it's like to have twins but even just having one, i'll tell you it gets easier the older they get! Your little boys are so cute :) Good luck mama!!

    P.S. Pumping is SO time consuming. I stuck with it for 5 months and then started to lose my milk. I wasn't too sad to stop (except for the having to buy formula part) haha ;)

    1. The hormones are so crazy, right?! Good thing they don't last forever.. Thank you, same to you with your little one!

  3. Oh, sister. I pretty shared all my thoughts with you today...probably more than you wanted to hear. But, just know you're not alone in your feelings and they are completely normal and natural. You're amazing and I admire you. Seriously. love you girl.

    1. Love you! Seriously! You were just who I needed to see that day! Thanks for talking, you're wonderful!

  4. I could talk for hours on this subject. Haha. Just how little people tell you about the truth of the first few months of being a mother. I shouldn't really say the first few months because it's pretty hard all the time. Not to discourage you, but being mother was never meant to be easy. That's what I have to keep telling myself. I had to stop waiting for it to all of a sudden become easy. It's the most fulfilling thing I'll ever do, and it's also the absolute hardest thing. Even when your kids are two (mine will be in a few weeks! Ahh!), you're still the maid and the chef. But all it takes is for your little guys to look up at you, smile, and say, "Mama," and all of the negative melts away for a brief but blissful moment. I think no one can prepare anyone for motherhood because motherhood's true essence is indescribable. It defies all logic, and for that I am so grateful. So keep going through the motions. Let someone else take care of them every once in a while so you can catch up on some sleep (if you can), and don't you dare feel guilty about it. Run to the store alone. Do something for yourself every once in a while. Those first few months were the most miserable time in my life. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. I was depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and just plain terrified. I hated pumping and breastfeeding, but I did it for 8 months, and I'm so glad I did. Sorry this is like a novel! Haha It just means so much to me that you know that all those mundane tasks matter. Sooner than you think, you'll start to remember who you are. You'll sleep. Your babes will eat solid food, call you 'mama,' give you the best hugs, and you won't even remember the hard parts in those moments. Again, sorry this is so long. I probably should have just emailed you. Haha ;) Please let me know if you ever just need to talk or need anything! :)


    1. Thank you! This was so well said! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been in this boat before! You're doing a great job as a mommy, little Ezra is adorable!

  5. They are adorable and so handsome!!! So happy for you guys! :)