the twins

i have started and stopped this post probably about four times since

the twins were born, wanting to document their birth story but right now

i just need to get a few things off my mind.

the twins will be one month tomorrow, and holy smokes, has it been a whirlwind.

nobody can prepare for a baby, let alone twins.

the amount of diapers you change, spit up you wipe, pee you dodge,

and outfits you change is endless.

not to mention the amount of pumping...

nobody tells you exactly how little sleep you will get.

but somehow you manage to get up and monotonously go through the motions

of changing diapers, getting bottles, propping on pillow, feed, burp, rock and

ever-so-quietly put them back in the crib, praying they don't wake up.

nobody tells you how much you will cry in one day, most of the time for no reason

at all other than the fact that you're exhausted, and have a crazy amount of hormones

surfing through your body.

taylor describes the last month perfectly-when you have a baby,

you expect to have a two year old that wants to be played with.

not a little alien who needs to be burped every ten minutes

and cries for what seems like no reason.

i feel like the newborn stage is completely looked over.

which it shouldn't be, because it's pretty damn hard,

someone out there knows the secrets and should really let me in on the goods.

thank the heavens they at least are on somewhat of a schedule.

i think one of the hardest things for me since the babies have been home

has been how little of a connection i feel with them.

in the world of blogging, it's probably a bad thing to admit since your life

has to always seem perfect, but growing up

you think you'll have a baby and instantly connect with them.

i'm not saying i don't love them, because i do!

i would do anything for my little dudes.

but what i mean is, because there are two, i am finding it hard to have

individual time with each one to find that connection.

plus they aren't really at the stage where they connect in their minds

that you're their mother.

you're just their chef, maid and babysitter.

i know as they get older, the relationship will come,

and i can't wait for that!

for now, i'm content being their chef.

i hope those of you with kids can somewhat relate to what i'm going through

and i'm not just some crazy new mom with twins who is...crazy.

i love my babes so much, i want you all to know that.

it's just been a crazy adjustment!

| hospital visit |

holy smokes it's been a wild week to say the least.

last thursday night after venturing down to lindon for a dear friend

of mine's wedding reception, i returned home about 10:00, instantly went to bed and

woke up about two hours later with some intense back pain.

now i've had back pain with this whole pregnancy, but the last few

days the pain was concentrated mostly in my lower back.

i knew that was a sign of preterm labor, but never having gone through

it before, i didn't really know what to expect-i assumed contractions were only in your stomach.

honestly, i didn't think anything of it.

i got up to go to the bathroom and found myself spotting fresh blood (tmi..sorry).

i quickly woke up tay and told him we needed to go to the hospital, stat.

my hospital bag wasn't completely packed, so i didn't grab it-we just rushed out

the door, since i was in so much pain.

we got to the OB Emergency room and they put me in a room to be monitored.

after checking me out, we were all surprised to learn that i was dilated to a 4.

the contractions in my back were coming about 4 minutes apart and incredibly

intense, and they told tay and i that we should get ready to go in for an

emergency c-section.

now, being just two days shy of my 34 week mark, i was terrified.

not only for my little babes, but like, shaking, sweating, dizzy, freaked out of my mind-terrified

of having my c section.

i just wanted to make it to 34 weeks!

after that, i was in the safety zone and everything would have been fine.

sure, they would have been in the NICU for a few weeks, but they would be

fully developed, just small.

i looked at tay with the shocked look on his face.

it was unreal. we were going to have these babies, TONIGHT.

i have never felt more unprepared in my life.

after moving us to a different room to get prepped, a nurse came in and 

told us that they actually wanted to try to stop labor, since the babies need all the time

they can get to be more fully developed.

they started me on some pills that would slow my contractions down,

as well as some pain medication (which i threw up from, so they gave me smaller doses).

it was a very long night of monitoring the babies, taking vitals, being given pill after pill,

shots of steroids to help the babies' lungs, in case labor couldn't be stopped, and tears.

after everything had calmed down a bit, and we had a break between medications and vitals,

tay and his dad gave me a priesthood blessing.

honestly, i was still in so much pain and pretty out of it, that i don't remember what was said

in the blessing, i just remember feeling comforted and knowing that whatever

happens is what is supposed to happen.

if they come now, they'll be fine.

if they come in a week, they'll be fine.

and i'll be fine.

friday consisted of more monitoring, pills and

finally being able to eat since there was no change in dilation.

don't ask me how there was no change..the doctor said that if we were

to move up to a 5, they would no longer hold off on the c section but go ahead

with the surgery. 

i leave that part up to the Lord.

saturday tay went to work, so i just hung out and watched way too much tv.

still no change, my contractions moved further and further apart, and i was feeling

more and more back to normal.

our goal was to make it to monday and we would hopefully be released

to go home on bed rest, but they actually let us go sunday evening!

i can't praise my nurses and doctor enough, they were amazing.

not to mention my rock-he was with me the entire time,

helping me through my contractions, holding my hands,

wiping my tears and constantly telling me everything will be okay.

i can't imagine going through that with anyone else.

i'm also so grateful for family and friends who were there to support us

and continuously do so.

this little hiccup in things is exactly what we needed.

despite the terrifying way it happened, it made me more ready to know what

to expect when it really happens.

32 weeks

i originally had a different subject for this post, but decided to forego it.

over the past week, my thought have really taken a different route.

i have been overcome with this fear of becoming a mom.

everyone always tells me

'oh my gosh your boys are so lucky!'

'you will be a wonderful mother!'

'just wait, you'll know what to do!'

but seriously, i'm scared to death.

i know i will love them with everything i have-that's not a question,

because i already do, so so much.

i just hope i can raise them to be good young men.

respectful.

genuine.

loving, and caring.

polite.

will i have the patience i need?

not to mention i'm freaking out about this whole birthing thing.

like, i have nightmares about it.

being in labor for hours on end, everything ripping, complications or losing a baby.

why couldn't it be easy, like they really do get delivered by a stork?

i guess if it was easy, it wouldn't mean as much.

i started packing my diaper bag and hospital bag yesterday, it all just sort of got so REAL.

i'm going to bring two little boys home, and will be responsible for their

well-being (of course with the help of tay), but i just feel so overwhelmed.

tay keeps reminding me that billions of people give birth, and a lot of them with twins,

that i'll do just fine, and to not worry.

it's a lot easier to say that when you don't have to have two humans

coming out your vagina.

i know this post is all sorts of jumbled, i just needed to get my feelings down

so that next time i get pregnant, i'll remember these feelings are normal.

it's okay to be scared.

it's normal to not know what to expect.

and it's pretty common to call your midwife at everything that feels wrong.

i just want to provide everything we can for our little babes.

i love them so much already, and hopefully that will at least be enough.

sometimes i get so caught up in thinking about labor, finishing our nursery,

making sure we have everything we need, and making everything "instagram worthy"

that i forget to just sit and relax.

to enjoy the kicks to the belly, the feet in my ribs, and the jabs to my uterus.

because before we know it, it will be spit up, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights.

times two.